habibiti: (Default)
( May. 17th, 2009 07:40 pm)
I'm feeling sorry for myself. I've been feeling sorry for myself for awhile and I felt bad about it for awhile because there was really nothing wrong with my life for me to be so 'oh woe is me' about. I was being a whiney bitch.

And now my Grandma's sick. My grandmother who is one of the few people left on the planet who has not abused, abandoned or otherwise betrayed me. My grandmother is a tiny spitfire of a woman who has lived a hard knock life and kept her wits and sense of humor about her the entire time. Now she's reliant on tubes pumping her full of oxygen, chemicals and a strict diet just to keep her going from day to day. That didn't really slow her down much though.

Here we are again; mystery sickness. We've already got emphysema, diabetes and old age working against her and now we've added some sort of colon/intestinal trauma that is causing vomiting and rectal bleeding.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I will never forgive myself if something happens to her during her procedure tomorrow while I'm sitting around waiting to flip my tassel from one side of my cap to the other.
habibiti: (Default)
( May. 11th, 2009 10:32 pm)
So here's to having another place to brain dump. I closed my LJ account months ago because it was too widely known and published and watched/stalked/etc. I need someplace new to put the swirling thoughts and underachieved ambition that lives inside my head. This is not a knitting blog, though I may at times talk about knitting since it is basically my whole life, but more often than not there is going to be a whole lot of sulking, self depreciation and inner torment.

Let's start with this: I'm graduating from college in a week. Should be a happy occasion, no? Something to be super proud of? I'm not. I didn't graduate from high school and it's taken me 5 years and 2 colleges to end up with an associates degree without any declared major. Oh sure, I have a shit ton of credits in Sociology and if I was patient enough to wait another semester I would have an associates in sociology at the very least. But no, I was so motivated by just not letting my brothers graduate college before me that I had to rush it.

I'm walking with my honor sash and cords even though I was removed from the honor society over a year ago for falling below the required GPA. I can still 'legally' walk with the sash and cord because technically I'm alumni. I feel really, um, shitty I think is the word I'm looking for, that I don't get the 'high honors' recognition when my name is announced though. There are plenty of excuses for this; I've worked full time the whole time I've been in college. I was managing a coffee house, taking full course loads each semester AND was the regional president for the honor society all at the same time and I buckled under the pressure. I know something had to give and unfortunately it was my excellent GPA. Now, granted, I still have a pretty decent GPA (3.34) but not 'high honors' good.

Ugh, even writing this out has given me a headache. I'm going to put on my game face and I'm going to walk across that stage next week and make this promise to myself: I'll do better next time.
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