I'm trying really hard to keep my head above water here. I feel like I'm starting to flail and bob though and that my head will submerge any minute now. I'm battling this with lists of things I need to do, things I want to do and things I don't want to do but should do anyways. I know I'm getting things done, but at the end of the day when I lay down to go to sleep I feel guilty that I didn't get more done or didn't get certain things done or that I'm 27 and wasting my life playing with sticks and string when other people are getting married, having babies, raising babies, graduating from real colleges and pursuing real careers. It makes me feel panic stricken and paralyzed by fear.

I don't know if I've over extended myself or I just don't have enough natural ambition and motivation to follow through on what I have promised to myself and others to get done. I have a huge list of things I've been putting off doing that could all possibly lead to money making avenues, or at least more recognition in the field I've chosen. (Knitting? Really, Dani, you need to be knitting famous?)

The list for today:
Pick up mail from a house I'm house sitting while the owners are back East.
Mail their mail + a half dozen packages for swaps, orders, Phat Fiber samples and co-op items.
Figure out if I'm going to actually participate in the fiber co-op business I've been invited to join or if I just paid dues to watch their yahoo list send me messages about things I don't have time or energy to accomplish.
Study for chemistry final. Which I'm undoubtedly going to fail, which sort of removes the motivation to study for it.
Write up the gigantic blog post for my sock club showing off May's yarn + goodies, and announcing the AS YET TO BE FREAKING DETERMINED band for June.
Buy, write and mail thank you cards to various far flung family for graduation cards/money.
Go to work for 3 hours and pretend not to be freaking out that I'm running out of time to finish things and be polite to the biddies.

More of the same but it different forms and levels of anxiety.

Here's the problem, I'm always like a half step away from complete emotional collapse but if I take my anxiety pills I'm useless. So I walk around a half step away from tears and blubbering and try to hold my shit together long enough to get home and be a mess in private.


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